This Is My Now
by merderlove4life
Summary: College AU. New York. Bad summary, I know. Named after the song by Jordin Sparks.


This Is My Now-Jordin Sparks

There was a time I packed my dreams away.  
Living in a shell, hiding from myself.

There was a time when I was so afraid.  
I thought I'd reached the end,  
But baby that was then  
I am made of more than my yesterdays.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.  
As I look around  
I can't believe the love I see.  
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt  
That was then, this is my now.

I have to decide,  
Was I gonna to play it safe.  
Or look somewhere deep in side,  
Try to turn the tide,  
And find the strength to take that step of faith.  
[This Is My Now lyrics on

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.  
As I look around  
I can't believe the love I see.  
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt  
That was then, this is my now.

And I have the courage like never before, yeah.  
I've settled for less now I'm ready for more,  
Ready for more.

This is my now, and I am breathing in the moment.  
As I look around I can't believe the love I see.  
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt  
That was then, this is my now.

I'm living in the moment  
I look around I can't believe the love I see.  
My fears behind me, gone are the shadows and doubt  
That was then, this is my now.  
This is my now.

This Is My Now

Meredith Grey had a past. Everyone has a past but Meredith Grey's was dark and twisty to say the least. It's not like she wasn't loved growing up. She had a family, friends, a mother and a father…figure. But Richard Weber was not her father. Her father left when she was five and she hasn't seen or talked to him since. Meredith tried to say it didn't bother her…but it did. Not because her father was never around to tell her when he didn't like her new boyfriend or yell at her when she was in trouble. No. It bothered her because her father had walked out of her life so…easily. Like the possibility of never seeing his daughter again was no big deal. And it's not like she was hard to locate. Her mother was the Ellis Grey. Enough said. So Meredith just wanted to know…why. Why hadn't her father ever made the effort to find her? And if he did, why didn't he make a bigger effort? Meredith Grey had wondered this same exact question over and over in her head for the past seventeen years and Meredith just needed…closure.

And than there was her mother and step-dad, Richard. They were two of the top surgeons in the country. So Meredith's lifestyle growing up? Nothing short of luxurious. To someone who had just met the family, they would call them the "Perfect American Family". And they were. And that was the problem. Meredith was a straight "A" student growing up, as were her little brother and sister, Daniel and Claire. Daniel was a basketball star on the high school team all four years and Claire was always well liked by everyone around her. They were perfect. It drove Meredith crazy. She, herself was perfect. An over achiever. A perfectionist. Meredith couldn't stand how boring it was. Perfect. Ha. Define perfect. By the time Meredith graduated high school, she was more than ready for college. Across the country. At NYU. Meredith had gotten excepted to many other schools; UCLA, Evergreen, even Berkeley. But NYU was the farthest away from home, Seattle. She liked it already.

Derek Shepherd had a good life. A great life. He had it all. Money, a great family, a gorgeous girlfriend, and a guaranteed scholarship into whatever college in the country he wanted. But something was missing. He had never really been in love. Addison was great and he was in love with her. At one time. Not anymore. Their relationship lost it's…spark a long time ago. It was boring. And Derek wanted to end it. He knew he had to. But she and everyone else that knew them was expecting him to propose soon. After all, they had been together since they were eighteen. Eight years. But Derek wasn't ready to settle down. After all, he was only twenty six! What's the rush?! And he wasn't planning on proposing. He never had been. He just wasn't sure how he was going to end it. He didn't want to hurt her. He cared about her. He really did. The last thing he would ever want to do is hurt her. But he just didn't love her. And Derek knew there was no way he could marry her. And tonight was the night he was taking her to dinner to break the news to her. He knew it wouldn't be easy but he had to do it.

"Hey, Addison. W-we need to talk," Derek nervously says preparing himself for what he needs to do.

"Yeah…we do."

"Okay. I don't know how to tell you this so I'm just going to say it. Addison, I care about you a lot and the last thing I want to do is hurt you…but I can't marry you. I…don't love you….so I could never marry you. Addison, baby I'm so sorry but…don't you think we both deserve to be happy?"

The look on Addison's face was not what Derek had expected. He was expecting her to cry or lash out at him from across the table. But she was smiling...she looked relieved.

"Addison, hun…are you okay?"

"Are you kidding?! I'm better then okay! You don't want to get married! Neither do I! I'm not ready for that! And I don't love you and I could never marry you! Thank you so much!"

"You don't love me," Derek asked, a little shocked to learn of this.

"Well, I mean I did at one point," she says catching onto Derek's shock.

"But you're the one who's been talking about getting married all this time,"

"Well, yeah, because I thought you wanted that. And if you would have proposed…I would have said yes."

"But, why? I' mean if oyu don't love me, I would never be able to make you happy and...you deserve better than that."

"Because, Derek. Y-you're not the type of guy you leave. Not if you can help it. And I would have grown to love you again, in time."

"Wow…so what happens next? I mean, I haven't been single in so long, I sort of forgot how it works."

"Well, I'm going to go to Europe for two weeks. I've always wanted to go."

"Okay. Have fun. Um, I don't know if this is possible, but could we still be…friends?"

"Definitely. I want to stay friends. And I'm glad we can."

"Great. So, um, see you in two weeks maybe?"

"Yeah. I'll call you. Maybe we can have lunch?"

"Cool. See you then. Goodbye Addison."

"Bye, Derek."

"And with that, he paid the restaurant and left to go home to his Upper-East Side Manhattan apartment. When he got home, his roommate and best friend, Mark Sloan was there. Mark was Derek's best friend since they were kids and more of a brother to Derek. But besides that the only one Derek had told about his feelings or lack thereof for Addison.

"Well, I did it," Derek says to Mark.

"Are you marrying her or did you end it?"

"Ended it"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I think so. Just shocked, if anything. She felt the same way I did. You're going to have to teach me how to be single again."

"Gladly. We'll go out tonight. There's a new bar called Shooters. Hottest chicks in New York, dude. I swear. Did you just say Addie felt the same way you did?"

"Yeah, I did."

"Wow."

"Yup."

"Ready to go," Mark asks knowing his friend is going to want to get wasted and maybe have a one night stand. Well, no, he might hold out on the sex.

"Yeah, let's go."

Mark and Derek drove over to the bar and walked into see a friend of Mark's, Alex Karev playing pool. Alex saw them walk in and came over to say hi to Mark.

"Hey, Mark. What's up?"

"Ah, nothing. Alex, meet Derek. Derek, meet Alex," Mark says introdoucing the two as they shake hands. "Alex, Derek is newly single so help me hook him up with some hot chick."

"Not a problem. You guys came at just the right time on the right day. Friday night at 10:00. It's pretty quiet It's pretty quiet right now but it will pick up by 11:00-11:30-ish. Then it's like rush hour but in a bar. So we need to start out with some drinks while we wait. What do you guys want?"

"Beer," Mark and Derek reply in unison.

"Coming right up," Alex says as he raises himself up on the bar stool. "Meredith!" he calls out her and gestures for her to come over.

"Hey, Alex," Meredith says as she leans over the bar and hugs him and than sees Mark. "Hey. Have we met before?"

"Yeah, I've been in here a few times. I'm Mark," he says shaking her hand.

But Meredith wasn't even listening. She was to busy wondering who the guy sitting next to him was. Those eyes. She could get lost in those eyes. She was already lost in those eyes. And that smile. It gave her goose bumps all over. And his hair. Perfect. Everything about him was perfect. Her eyes slowly took in the rest of his appearance when she noticed the Rolex watch on his wrist and the Mercedes car door opener hanging out of his coat pocket. She was immediately turned off. He was that guy. The guy who had his parents pay for everything. She highly doubted he payed for his Mercedes or the Rolex. He was way to young to afford either on his own. He was the only type of guy she had ever dated because he was the only type of guy she had ever really known. In conclusion, she decided there was no way she was interested in Mark's friend, whatever his name was.

Now if she could only take her eyes off of him.

Derek Shepherd had grown up around beautiful woman. It took a lot to impress him when it came to the looks of a woman. And it was no secret that Derek was a hard man to impress. He had ultra high standards. Addie, for example was a good definition of beautiful but truth be told, to Derek the physical features of his now ex-girlfriend were…nothing special. Even when they had first met, Derek thought she was okay but despite that Derek was still attracted to Addison. Which is…beside the point. The point is Derek Shepherd was a hard man to impress.

And right now, he was impressed. Beyond impressed. He was stunned. Those green eyes. That's what first grabbed his attention. He was still taking them in. He glanced at the rest of her petite figure. From what he could tell in the dimly lit bar, she had an amazing body. Not to skinny, but far from fat. Just the way he liked. And her wavy light brown hair that cascaded down her narrow shoulders. It was all he could do not to reach across the bar and run his fingers through it. And her smile. It made him smile. Then he moved back to her eyes, which were fixed on him. Damn, he had to know her name. He thought he'd be the first to break the ice.

"Derek Shepherd," Derek said as he extended his hand out to her.

"Huh? What? Oh…Meredith Grey," Meredith said extending her hand out to his, her eyes still locked with his. She just couldn't look away. 'God damnit. Why, me,' she thinks to herself.

If Derek didn't know any better he'd say he had been electrocuted the moment his and Meredith's hands met. Meredith. Even her name impressed him. Whether or not that even made since…he had no idea but he could care less. All he wanted to do right now is keep staring into her eyes. When he did that, it was like time stopped. Or it kept going but neither of them noticed or even cared. Meredith is finally able to pull her eyes away and does her best too change the topic but doesn't even get a word in before Mark speaks up.

"Dude, Derek, this is the part where you ask her dance," Mark whispers but still loud enough for everyone at the table to hear.

"Um…actually…I can't. Sorry….but I'm working and it's starting to get pretty crowded," Meredith and the others look around the virtually empty bar. "Okay, well maybe not but um…"

"Hey, Mer, can I meet that blind date you set me up with for tomorrow night?" Alex jumped in knowing his best friend needed some help.

"Alex! You can't meet your blind date before the actual date…can you?"

"Sure, why not," Mark stated. "That way if she's ugly, you know ahead of time and you can call and cancel. I've done it."

"Ass," Meredith replied.

"Come on, Mer. I don't have to meet her just show me which bartender she is," Alex begged.

"Ugh. Fine. It's that tall blonde on the other end of the bar," Meredith said pointing to Izzie.

"Oh, damn, she's hot. She looks familiar," said Mark.

"No kidding," said Alex.

When Izzie noticed the two men staring and Meredith standing right next to them, she started making her way over.

"Hey. You guys talking about me," Izzie questioned.

"Izzie meet Alex. Your blind date," Meredith said.

"Blind date? What blind date?" Izzie asked, confused.

"Yeah, Mer what blind date?" Mark smirked.

"O-oh…I didn't tell you…you're going on a date tomorrow with Alex. Have fun. Don't worry about thanking me. If you don't come home I'll assume it went that great," Meredith said nervously.

Izzie considered Alex for a moment then said "So, Alex. Pick me up at eight," Izzie asked smiling.

"I'll be there."

"Great. And who are you two?" Izzie asked looking at Mark and Derek.

"I'm Mark Sloan. This is Derek Shepherd. I swear, you look very familiar…"

The bar was starting to get pretty crowded and Ain't No Other Man Started playing on the speakers and all the bartenders in the bar, which were all female, got on stage and started dancing to the song.

"Sorry, boys. Duty calls," said Izzie as her and Meredith got up on the bar and started dancing with the others.

Thirty minutes later they were still dancing and getting customers their drinks.

"Dude, I am so coming back here again," Mark said as he watched the girls on the bar in awe.

"No kidding," said Alex.

The last song ended and Izzie and Meredith jumped off the bar and walked back over to the guys who still seem to be drooling.

"Impressed?" Izzie asked smirking at them.

"Very," said Mark.

"How original," Izzie shrugged.

Just then Meredith felt a pair of hands snake around her waist. A pair of hands she knew all to well.

"Brian, what the hell are you doing here?" Meredith asked without turning around.

"I'm here to see you, baby," Brian replied unable to keep from smiling.

"Ugh. You're stoned, gross," Meredith said taking his hands off her. She turned around to see her boyfriend's neck dotted with hickeys. Hickeys she knew she didn't give to him.

"I'm not stoned," Brian said still with a ridiculously large smile on his face and blood red eyes.

"Oh, you so are," Meredith said disgusted. "Alex…I need to show you that thing you wanted to see."

"Oh…yeah….the thing," Alex said knowing Meredith really just needed to talk to him in private.

So she pulled him outside into the cold New York night.

"Okay. Alex, I need you to steal Brian's cell phone when we get back in there," Meredith instructed.

"Okay….why am I doing this? There better be a good reason because besides you, he's my best friend."

"Don't worry. There is a good reason. Did you see his neck?"

"Yeah. Jeez, Mer. That's a lot of hickeys."

"Thank you, I know but they're not from me! You know how I know? I know because I haven't seen him for the past two weeks! He's been traveling with the band doing god knows what with groupies."

"Ohhh. Okay I'll do it. How am I supposed to take the phone without him noticing?"

"You let me worry about that."

They walked back inside and the first thing Meredith did was push Brian back on the barstool and passionately kiss him. A few seconds into the kiss, Meredith slipped her hand in his coat pocket and pulled out his iPhone and passed it to Alex and then pulled out of the kiss.

"I'll be right back," Meredith said casually.

"Seriously, Mer? You're just going to leave me like this after that?" Brian frowned.

"Yep," Meredith chirped. "Come on, Alex. Let's go finish that…thing."

They walked out of the bar and went through the phone to his text messages. What was said in the text messages gave away that Brian was cheating on Meredith. But more importantly, it was with who that made Alex's knuckles turn white with fury.

"Oh my God. Alex I am so sorry," Meredith said, shocked as she read the messages.

'Hate' is a strong word. That's what they say. That there is a difference between dislike and hate. Though not a big difference, there is a difference. Derek had disliked a lot of things and people before. Snow, shopping, his Aunt Gilda were all at the top of his list of dislikes. But he had never felt true, deep, hate. Until now.

And the thing is Derek had no idea why. He certainly had no reason to hate what's-his-face. He couldn't judge him for being stoned off his ass. Derek wasn't going to lie. This is college. Everyone does pot at least once or twice. Everyone, including him.

And Derek certainly couldn't blame the guy for having at least ten hickeys dotting his neck…Hell, he himself wished he had hickeys dotting his neck.

The only reason Derek could think to hate Ryan or whatever the fuck his name was, was that he had a super hot girlfriend named Meredith. But then, Derek couldn't hate there either because he himself had had a super hot girlfriend until a few hours ago but that was way beside the point.

The point was Derek had felt real hate for the first time in his life and he knew he had absolutely no reason to.

Sure, Meredith was hot beyond reason but that's all he knew about her and as far as he knew he would never see her again after tonight.

So why in the hell did Derek have the strong, almost over powering urge to choke the living shit out of this guy the moment he saw him snake his hands around Meredith's waist?

"Alex? Alex? A-are you okay?" Meredith asked nervously.

"I have to call her," Alex stated breaking his silence and taking out his phone.

"Alex. Don't yell at her, there could be a perfectly good explanation for this. Brian's never cheated before and I'm surprised he would start now," Meredith said trying to be reasonable.

"Hello, Alyssa? It's Alex. We need to talk. Have you seen Brian lately?...My best friend, Brian. Brian McCallister…This weekend?...No… He was on tour with his band this weekend…He had no reason to be in Seattle….Lyss, what's wrong?" And then the line went dead. "I'll kill him," Alex said letting the rage take over him.

Before Meredith could ask what Alyssa told him, Alex ran in the bar.

Derek's thoughts were immediately interrupted by a loud crashing noise. He looked up to see that Alex came running in the bar with Meredith not far behind.

"Hold them apart!" Meredith yelled urgently at Mark and Derek causing them to jump into action immediately. "Joe, help!"

She yelled even louder to her boss who jumped over the bar and pulled Alex off of Brian.

"What the hell is going on here?" Joe yelled bewildered.

"You want to know what's going on, Joe? I'll tell you what's going on," Alex volunteered who was still swinging furiously at Brian but barely missing him as Joe put his arms between them and Mark and Derek held them apart. "He slept with Alyssa!"

"Alyssa? Isn't that your….?" Joe asked catching on.

The color drained from Brian's face. He suddenly felt sober. He screwed up. He knew that. He hadn't planned what happened. It just did. Alyssa was there and Meredith wasn't, as much as he wanted her to be. And he was drunk. Wasted. Shit faced. And Alyssa was just there. Holy shit he felt horrible.

The room was spinning before he even opened his eyes. His head was pounding. Throbbing. What had happened the night before? He had absolutely no idea. Well he did up to a certain point. Funeral. Called Meredith. Party. Tequila. Vodka. Weed. Hooking up with Alyssa. Fuck. Then it flashed through his mind. The sex. The sex with Alyssa. HOLY SHIT! No it's not true. It can't be.

He opened his eyes for the first time that morning no longer caring that the room was spinning or that his head was pounding. He raised his head to look over his shoulder at the sleeping figure in his bed that was Alyssa Karev. He slowly lifted the tangled sheet that covered them and looked under it not believing what he remembered. No clothes. Under the sheets. Just two naked bodies.

Holy fucking shit. This is bad. Really bad. He cheated on Meredith. He had never cheated. Not only that but as if hooking up with Alyssa wasn't bad enough, he had had sex with her. Not good. Not good at all. What was he going to tell Alex? Alex will find out eventually. Alyssa tells Alex everything. And Brian was sure he had taken Alyssa's virginity. She was sixteen years old. Brian was twenty three. Not good. Alex would kill him. And Brian knew he had every right to. Alex had always been very protective of his little sister.

God damnit. Why did he always have to fuck everything up? Him and Meredith were happy. Truly happy. And then he does this. He has to tell her. He can't not tell her. The guilt will eat him alive. Shit. What was he going to do?

Brian snapped back to reality when his head hit the floor. Hard. He immediately knew why….Alex had punched him and Brian really couldn't blame him so he didn't react like he normally would by jumping off the floor and punching Alex back just as hard. But instead he just moaned loudly and let himself fall into the darkness that was much more inviting.

Pound, Throb, Thump. Pound, Throb, Thump. Pound, Throb, Thump.

Brian slowly opened his eyes and was surprised when he finally realized where he was. Meredith's couch. Normally he would sleep in her bed, with her. Why the hell was he on Meredith's couch? And why the hell was the room spinning and his head throbbing?

What the hell had happened last night?

Boarded my flight, had a couple of drinks on the plane…okay more than a couple…enough for me to not remember a thing from last night. Shit. I got wasted. And why is there a huge bump on my head? Fuck. I got in a fight. I gotta call Alex see if he can help me clear a few things up. And Advil…I need Advil. He looked at the coffee table to see that someone had already put some there along with water. That was Meredith. I know it. Did we get in a fight? Is that why I'm on the couch? Did I just pass out? I swear I'm never drinking again. Worst hang over ever.

He picked up the phone and dialed Alex's number…No answer. He ran to the bathroom as he felt the sudden nausea wash over him. He emptied his stomach and stood up from the toilet to see Meredith standing in the doorway with a cold, hard look on her face but her eyes glistening with tears that she refused to let fall.

And just like that, seeing his girlfriend looking so hurt made the events of the previous evening flash before his eyes. Everything. And now it all made since. Him sleeping on the couch, Alex not answering the phone. Everything.

"Meredith…" Brian started desperately.

"Get out," Meredith said as a single tear slid down her cheek and hit the floor.

One tear hit the hard wood  
It fell like broken glass

"Meredith, baby…."

"Don't…." she said backing away from him, unable to be near him.

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing  
The smiles, the flowers, everything  
is gone  
Yesterday I found out about you  
Even now just looking at you  
feels wrong

"Please, let me explain. Please."

"No, Brian. Just….no."

"Babe, please. If I could go back in time and just…not let it happen, you know I would."

"But you can't. Besides, it's the fact that you said 'yes' in the first place. Now get out."

You say  
that you'd take it all back,  
given one chance  
It was a moment of weakness  
and you said yes...  
You should've said no,  
you should've gone home  
You should've thought twice before you let it all go  
You should've know that what, that what you did with her  
get back to me...  
And I should've been there,  
in the back of your mind  
I shouldn't be asking myself why  
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...  
You should've said no,  
baby and you might still have me

"But it didn't mean anything…it was just sex! Okay…that came out wrong. I don't even remember it and believe me, I feel like shit and I feel terrible and I just love you so much…and I feel terrible seeing you this way."

"None of that matters, Brian! Because you still said 'yes'! God damnit! I don't know what's more pathetic! The fact that you think we still have a chance or the fact that part of me wants to believe you!"

You can see that I've been crying  
And baby you know all the right things  
to say  
But do you honestly expect me to believe  
We could ever be the same...  
You say that the past is the past,  
you need one chance  
It was a moment of weakness  
and you said yes...

"Meredith…..just let me explain, please."

"No! Why would I believe you? Based on recent events, I have no obligation to! I don't want to hear it, Brian! The fact is you said 'yes'! That's all I need to know!"

"No it's not! I wish I could tell you but…I can't!"

"Then get out!"

You should've said no,  
you should've gone home  
You should've thought twice before you let it all go  
You should've know that what, that what you did with her  
get back to me...  
And I should've been there,  
in the back of your mind  
I shouldn't be asking myself why  
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...  
You should've said no,  
baby and you might still have me  
oh, oh, oh

"Before you go…I just have to ask was she worth losing your best friend and girlfriend over? Was the virgin, statutory rape thing with it?" Meredith asked, her voice dripping with resentment.

I can't resist...  
before you go, tell me this  
Was it worth it...  
Was she worth this...

"No, of course not," Brian replied looking her in the eye. "I was so wasted and high and I know that's not an excuse and doesn't make it okay and I know nothing ever can and believe me the guilt is eating me alive," he finished, still holding her gaze.

"Good. Now get out."

You should've said no,  
you should've gone home  
You should've thought twice before you let it all go  
You should've know that what, that what you did with her  
get back to me...  
And I should've been there,  
in the back of your mind  
I shouldn't be asking myself why  
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...  
You should've said no,  
baby and you might still have me.

okay so i want to keep posting this on here. but i need to know how to submit new chapters...i cant figure it out. sad, i know. can someone help me out?


End file.
